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Joshua's Tree

May 12, 2008

It has been five years since we bought our first house and moved to where we are now.  Since moving here I have commented that I would like a weeping willow tree for the front edge of the property.  I love willow trees and thought it would look good there.  No major reasoning, just that it would look nice.  However, when Joshua died I became much more set on the willow tree and even more certain of where it needed to be located.  Andrew and I talked about it and even looked at some and priced a few and well, it was just not in the budget.  There aren’t a ton of places to go buy a tree here and the standard places (like Lowe’s and Wal-Mart) never had any.  I had started to let go of having a "Joshua’s tree" or at least it being a willow tree and while I thought it really wasn’t a big deal, it was.

Last week, I spent most of the week going between panic mode on a birthday party and really being bummed about Mother’s Day.  It wasn’t even a rational depression.  I have four beautiful, healthy, vibrant children that I love and cherish more than I could ever express.  Yet, I find that holidays that focus on our children…leave me missing the one that isn’t here with us.  I try not to linger on it and I find that for the most part God helps to lift me up if I start to sink too far.  I didn’t have much trouble at Christmas, I got through my due date, all the ‘typical’ triggers were ok.  Yet, this year, Mother’s Day wasn’t looking so great. 

I did the only thing left to do.  I prayed.  I poured it all out at God’s feet and told Him that I was just too weak to pull myself up this time.  I often feel like everyone has forgotten but me.  I often feel guilty that I’m even sad.  I truly recognize that if Joshua had lived, then we wouldn’t have Kelsie and that is beyond my mind’s capabilities as well.  Every day is not lined with sadness though, and I am thankful for that.  I think it’s just hard for a mother to ever truly let go.  Or I suppose at least it is for me…so I prayed.

I never expected God to answer my prayer the way that He did.  I should have known better.  My Heavenly Father sees my heart and knows my needs, wants and desires better than anyone. 

God gave me a tree!

AND not just any old tree.  He led Andrew straight to a beautiful weeping willow tree at Lowe’s (remember, they don’t normally have any and the ones they have are usually over $100 each) for $20!  I am in awe that God looked at my heart and gave me exactly what I needed.  Each time He tells me that I do matter to Him and I am important enough for Him, I’m left in awe.  I find it hard to believe that He hasn’t just washed His hand of me and said "ENOUGH!  I’m tired of your rebellious and angry heart."  Yet, here He is.  He could have given us this tree years ago.  He knew I’d need it now though, so He waited and gave it to me at the exact moment He knew I’d appreciate it most. 

What a mighty God we serve!

I am also very appreciative of the other gifts my wonderful family gave me.  I got several hand made cards with hand prints on them.  A thumb drive to help me get my pictures organized.  Some tic-tac breath mints candy from Christopher.  I’ve even been told I have a new watch on the way!  I am blessed indeed!!!
One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    May 12, 2008 11:00 pm

    What a lovely gift from your husband and your Father. And I want you to know I haven't forgotten Joshua.

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