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In Loving Memory

March 7, 2007

Joshua Michael

Stillborn November 18, 2006
10:02 a.m.
8 ounces, 11 1/2 inches
Due today March 7, 2007

It is difficult sometimes to look at the pictures that we were able to
take of Joshua after he was born.  I know that most people would
not want to see them, but when I look at them, my momma's heart can see
nothing but perfection.  Ten fingers, ten toes.  Perfect
nose.  Perfect everything.  I am awestruck at God's ability
to knit together life and make such a tiny perfect blessing in His own
image.  This picture of my sweet DH holding his son is one of the
most precious pictures I own.  Yes, there is sadness knowing that
Joshua was not truly with us, but in his Heavenly Father's arms. 
Yet for a small time we were able to hold him as well and that does
give me some peace today.

This picture of Christopher makes my heart sing.  My children have
done wonderfully with their sadness after the loss of their
brother.  Christopher had the hardest time and during one of his
sadest moments drew this picture of Joshua (“he even has wings!”) to
help make his mommy and daddy feel better.  Listening to him
describe the halo and wings and the smile on Joshua's face…because
he's with Jesus and that makes him happy…truly did make his mommy
feel better.  God Bless my sweet angels!  The ones here and
the one that isn't.

This picture was at the cemetery after Joshua's funeral.  It was
so beautiful that day.  Just a few days after Thanksgiving and it
was in the high 60s and beautiful.  It has been difficult today
knowing that Joshua is so far away at our family cemetery.  I have
truly struggled with jumping in the car and making the four hour drive
just to be close to him.  Logic is totally out the window
today.  It makes me sad that it's snowing and I keep thinking he
may be cold.  (Totally rational, right?)  So many things have
made me sad today.  I guess it is to be expected.   I
can't help but wonder if he would have arrived on his due date like two
of his older siblings did.  Would he have looked like his daddy
like the other boys do?  Would he have had red hair?  There
are so many things that I desperately want to know and I truly realize
that I may never know.  I don't know how to put most of what I'm
feeling into words and the words I can find just don't seem
adaquate.  I've been rediscovering an old friend the last few days
(writing poetry) and whilie I'm definitely rusty, I thought I'd post a
few of them here too. 

If you've read all of this,
thank you.  One of the things I have struggled with the most is
how a stillborn baby seems to not be acknowledged in our society. 
For any of you that have lost a baby, I'm sending you my prayers. 
It is a heartache that I could never wish on anyone.

Journey Through Time

I saw you today across the room
I saw your eyes meet mine
I knew your spirit was waiting there
I knew my own was drawn to yours

I dreamt today of who you are
I dreamt one day of who you will be
I sit here lost in my own distress
I sit knowing you are at peace

I want so much to see you smile
I want to hear your laugh
I know someday I’ll have my chance
I know one day we will be united

I can tell the scent of your innocence
I can feel the youth of your heart
I will hold you in my heart forever
I will hold you in my dreams tonight

Do not be afraid of what you are
Do not pull away from what you can be
If it isn’t here that you need to be
Then go where you must to thrive

Tears are shed out of sorrow
Tears will fade over time
Watch over the one who will follow you
And guide that journey through time.

I love you my sweet sweet Joshua. 

7 Comments leave one →
  1. maa permalink
    March 7, 2007 11:02 pm

    I am so sorry about the loss of your son, Joshua.

    Christopher is such a cutie! He does nice artwork too.

  2. UnlikelyHomesteader permalink
    March 7, 2007 11:11 pm

    I just can't imagine what that must be like. At least you all got a chance to see him and hold him until you get to see Him again in heaven.

    Praying for your family today.

  3. Joymommy permalink
    March 7, 2007 11:32 pm

    God bless you as you go through this time of loss. I had a m/c between my 1st and 2nd and though it must be much harder having a stillborn, I can understand some of your emotions and appreciated your neat poem. I pray God is holding you close and giving you peace in your future. I also appreciated your blog about your mil. My fil died of cancer 10 years ago and my mil was diagnosed with uterine cancer a little over a year ago, but thankfully it was caught early and after a hysterectomy and radiation she seems to be free of it. Anyways, praying you can enjoy those little ones of yours and receive comfort from the Lord!


  4. countrydreamn permalink
    March 8, 2007 6:32 am

    Hugs to you today.
    I had a miscarriage between 5 & 6, so I can some what understand your pain.
    But stay in the Lord's peace in that all of our little children are together playing with Jesus.
    Someday we will be able to be with them and Jesus.


  5. Anonymous permalink
    March 9, 2007 11:17 am

    I wish this was one week we didn't have in common!!! But please know that as I struggle to get through this week, I am praying you through this week as well… I "enjoyed" reading your blog today… It was a year ago that I delivered Josiah as a precious stillborn… and many of the feelings you wrote about, I know them all too well… You are welcome to visit my blog too if you want….
    Keeping you and your family in my prayers!!! Allana (from Treasures)

  6. Kimberly permalink
    March 9, 2007 9:40 pm

    {{{hugs}}} I agree that society downplays miscarriages. I am so sorry about Joshua. Praying for you…

  7. HandsNHearts permalink
    March 13, 2007 1:23 pm

    I am so sorry I missed posting on this. My mother's heart cries the same way…our first daughter would have turned 17 this past February, and I too have those special photos. She was perfect, and while her timing was perfect for The Lord, it was bittersweet for us, her family.
    I am thankful that I have the promise of The Lord that I will again see her in The Kingdom one day. I can't imagine how those who do not know that promise cope through losing a child or a loved one of any age.
    Thank you for sharing your memories.

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